| Sep. 19th, 2006 @ 07:41 pm Ai wa Kowareru... |
|---|
Current Mood:  lonely
Current Music: DDR - Tears
Sometimes, my own coldness towards emotions at some points completely amazes me. Then again, it's probably partially my fault. If I'd let people know what's wrong with me more willingly, then they would be able to tell what they should and shouldn't talk to me about. One of my friends was musing on how wonderful her luck with love was, and two more over their bad luck in it because they were feeling badly, and I let them talk to me about it as always. I didn't bother to tell them something had me upset. Do I ever?
The one for whom I named my laptop, I found out, died when I was going to tell them how I felt recently. After hearing this, I let a few tears slide past and then I suddenly wasn't able to cry about it anymore until later that night, when the same thing happened again: A few tears, and then nothing. When my friends were talking to me about their love lives, I was trying to be honest with them and give good advice they could use so they wouldn't be upset anymore--I don't like it when my friends are upset. I tried to have a normal conversation with the friend going on about her good luck, too. While all of that went on, I was quietly remembering back to what I had heard about the one that -I- loved (I never even got to find out how they died). To keep the knowledge that something was wrong from leaking through and getting to them, since I knew for sure they'd feel badly and feel sorry for me if they found out, I focused in on the problems they had and just pushed mine back again.
Pushing it away didn't stop the fact that it was still there, or that it still bothered me, but it suddenly hurt a lot less than my heart had felt like it did before I decided to do that. Even now, I can't cry much over the loss too much at a time; I can't figure out why, either. I guess I've done it a lot in the past with other people and just fell into the habit of it so that it wouldn't get to me as much as it did when I was younger. Life is just easier when you do that after three people have admitted before they've upset you just to see you cry, two others that they were using you, another that cheated on you, and countless others who made fun of you by asking you out for some immature reason or other.
Koiu and Kieran are suffering, too. (Those are a couple of the voices. The have their own names and personalities, everything, and they're the two who, besides me, were the most attached to the person that died.) They have their own ways of showing it, yes, but they definitely are upset by it.
((Raine says I should get medicines to "kill" the voices. Why would I, when they're the only ones I rarely feel inferior to? And they're really good company.))
Meanwhile, I sprained my ankle...It hurts like crazy, especially after the long walk we were made to take today to Trivette. Gods it hurts...And I have to be on it tomorrow, too. Oh, yeah--it's definitely gonna heal all right. I even missed a second day of chorus because of it, taking four points off of my grade. It couldn't be helped--if I had gone, I'd have had to stand up on it for two hours and then I'd still have had to make my way back to my dorm because I didn't know where my cell phone was at that point. Life is just a barrel of roses.
Did I mention the roses were dead?
~Osa
"Launch me into the disaster area and watch for where I land; the seasons have changed and so have I, but I'm still reaching out for your hand." -Me |
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osareeves's journal
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